A better day than yesterday... by Deborah

Yesterday was an odd day for me. One of my errands was to the PCC Co-op in W. Seattle to get some sage. While there I decided to grab a coffee and spend some time walking or sitting down at the beach at Alki. Not sure if that was a mistake or what. Armed with my IPOD and a Starbucks off I went. Driving through the area brought back a whole host of memories, not all of them pleasant. I wonder why after this long that place still affects me. Walked the boardwalk for a while then settled on a bench to watch the people and listen to the water. I found myself staring at the water, tears running down my face, quietly crying for over an hour. I couldn't seem to get control. I decided not to try to stop the tears as they obviously needed to get out. I felt searing pain again and loss, grief and a feeling of failure. Silently I extend out a barrier knowing the shroud of pain that surrounds me will keep everyone away. Not being able to stop it or control it I decide to just let it go and let the waves take it all away. Don't know if I was successful or not, but the tears seemed to stop after an hour or so. It was a strange experience, I was feeling all these feelings and at the same time meta to it all watching the woman in a white tee and hoody (me) on the bench, tears streaming down her face as couples, families, runners and dogs all passed by seeming not to notice. I felt invisible and yet part of everything and apart from everything. In the end I just felt wrung out. Spent the rest of the day mostly in solitude. Sat on my deck and enjoyed the warm sunshine. Couldn't shake the melancholia and didn't even try. Stayed away from interacting with people as I knew I was not good company. I know it sounds pathetic but I kept and keep wondering what is it about me, that I put my heart out there and it gets smashed. Why can't I be loved and appreciated for me? What is wrong with me? Silly questions and (rationally) I know not totally accurate, but there it is. That's how I feel. Fuck! I hate this. Slept rather fitfully last night, dreamed a lot though I can't really remember what about. Not feeling particularly better today, but hoping one more day of sunshine and solitude helps my mood.

Today is Mother’s Day, typically a day that doesn’t mean a whole lot to me as I am not a mother. Of course that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate you, Mom. I do. Though we have had our fights and years of struggle and frustration, there have also been times when we had great rapport. And a few times when you saved my life. I am reminded of this particularly since yesterday I wallowed in hurt, grief and anger remembering the pain of my divorce. When things were the worst and my world had shattered you stepped in to offer an ear, a hug, lots of unconditional love, no judgment, fierce loyalty to me and a ticket to SoCal where I embarked upon a most excellent (and sometimes painful) adventure. Thanks for that. I don’t think I would’ve survived without you.

I went to Trader Joe’s early this morning to buy you some flowers to leave in your car on my way to wherever I decided to go today. The man that stands outside selling the Real Change newspaper was there as he is most mornings. I often want to buy a paper from him as I’m leaving, but I always forget. And it’s not all that convenient as my hands are filled with grocery bags with my purse and money not easily accessible. And because it’s not easy or convenient I usually don’t. I realize that is a sucky attitude so today I decided to get my money out before I went into the store and put it in my pocket so I could buy the paper when I am leaving.

I offer my money to the man as I am leaving and he thanks me. He is very polite. I tell him to enjoy his day and he tells me, “Happy Mother’s Day”. “You might like the article inside about the origins of Mother’s Day he tells me. It’s not what you would think.” I reply, “I look forward to reading it. I may just share it with my mum.” After exchanging a few more pleasantries I get in my car and leave.
I leave the flowers in your car so you will find them when you go out to go swimming. I hope this is one of those “good” days for you and that you do go swimming. Knowing it is Mother’s Day, a day you often have trouble with, I have visions of the flowers wilting in the hot car if you don’t decide to go out.

I went down to Alki again. I needed to test the theory that yesterday was just one of those days and that Alki doesn’t hold bad memories for me everyday. I got there early and sat on one of the benches by the volleyball nets. Watching them put up the nets and mark out the sand; I drink my latte and eat my pumpkin bread. It doesn’t feel awful inside me today. I am thankful. Yesterday was an aberration! Today I don’t feel the pain only a sense of peace as I listen to the waves and the people.

Remembering what the man said about the article revealing the origins of Mother’s Day I pull out the newspaper and turn to page 3. I read, “Underneath the layers of schmaltz our paramount Hallmark holiday has its origins in one 19th-century American woman’s response to war.” That’s interesting… I read further. “Mother’s Day started as a day to be a peace activist, says Sara Sutter, founder of Julia’s Voice, an organization seeking to restore the holiday to Julia Ward Howe’s original intent. She didn’t year have the vote, but she had the ability to organize mothers and her fame from penning the Battle Hymn of the Republic didn’t hurt. Howe issued a proclamation calling on women to take a day to stand up for peace!” Fascinating, I never would’ve thought that. Knowing you love to know stuff I’m passing this along to you. And perhaps it will give you something different to think about today. I do know you have some strange notions about Mother’s Day along with a whole bunch of expectations. At least you have in the past. When I was a child and even into my adulthood, I felt responsible to make sure you had a good day. Even though most of the time, I felt your pain of not getting what you want, and nothing ever being enough. Or at least that was my perception. These days I don’t take responsibility for you or your feelings. But I do sincerely hope you have a lovely Mother’s Day and perhaps you will someday, maybe even today, find a little peace.

Love and hugs, your favorite (and only) daughter